We’ve likely all seen “Bull Durham,” and the legendary scene where Kevin Costner’s veteran catcher, “Crash” Davis, imparts a series of “interview clichés” to Tim Robbin’s character, up-and-coming pitcher “Nuke” LaLoosh, so he can get through interviews by saying almost nothing newsworthy while remaining upbeat and positive.
Well, with Easter in the immediate rearview, the onset of the MLB season, and NBA and NHL playoffs in full swing, it got me thinking – what if Jesus Christ was a sports superstar? Would he give the kind of safe but upbeat answers a typical athlete gives in on “on the fly” sort of interview? I worked hard to get an exclusive with Jesus on Easter morning to find out:
Todd: Jesus, first of all, I know as a journalist I’m supposed to remain objective, but let’s face it – I’m a huge believer and even bigger fan. Thank you for sitting down with me on this busy Easter Sunday.
Jesus: It’s my pleasure, my son. … how long was I out?
Todd: Oh, it was just like you predicted – 3 days.
Jesus: I am risen!
Todd: You are risen indeed! … and can we talk a little bit about that? This is obviously quite a miraculous moment – for all of us really. What are you thinking about right now.
Jesus: You know, I am just so grateful for this opportunity at Resurrection. I want to thank my dad, God, for believing in me. Props to you, Pop, for keeping faith I could impart these teachings over the last few years and speak truth to power.
Todd: But Jesus, was it worth it? Friday was absolutely brutal. You always bring your “A-game,” but you were subject to hostile fans, spitting, heckling, mockery with that one fan’s crown of thorns bit, whipping and humiliation. How did you do it?
Jesus: You know, you just have to keep faith and work through it. I new all season there would be challenges along the way. Commissioner Pilate and I have a relationship even worse than Roger Goodell and Tom Brady, am I right? But no – keeping the faith and getting the job done. After today, I feel like no one wants to take us on right now.
Todd: You mention us – what can you say about the supporting cast?
Jesus: Oh, my dear man, you are so right. My teammates have been the best. I want to shout out to those guys, starting with Judas. He did what I asked him to. You know, a lot of this will get twisted by history I’m sure, but the man simply did what I asked because I trusted him the most.
Todd: Hey – how about Fletch?!
Jesus: Who? … you mean Bart or Phil, right?
Jesus: Well, you know, they all played their part. Those guys don’t get as much ink as some of the other all-stars on our roster, but Bart and Phil are very professional. They just show up ready to play. And they didn’t hog all of the hummus at the last supper, which I really appreciated. No one likes a glutton.
Todd: Any special ladies you want to say anything to?
Jesus: Ah, Todd. You got me. Yes, of course. To “the Marys,” thank you! You’ve helped me make all things new. So Rejoice! (deep breath) … Mom, you are of course the original miracle here. And Dad was so in love with you he just hung in there and had faith. It was like Letty helping Dom raise little Brian. And Mary M – I love you, sweetheart. I know we’re not going to have the long life we had hoped for, and in a couple hundred years you are going to really take it in the chin at the Council of Nicaea, but don’t lose faith. A man named Dan Brown will come along and set our record straight, baby.
Todd: Jesus, I know time is tight. So I’ll conclude with this …. You’ve got your championship. You’ll be worshiped for your accomplishments on the field for centuries, maybe even Millenniums. I would say if there was a trio of all time hall of famers, you would be there just to the right of your father. So – what next?
Jesus: Well, that’s very kind. But I’m not expecting any big biography or anything. No, right now, I need to get out of here and furtively walk around camp so others see, or are pretty sure they see, this miracle. Then I’ll rest up, and ascend to Heaven to – you said it – sit at the right hand of my father. I’ll be in his service for a few thousand years – hopefully more – and then I would really like to get into reffing or umpiring.
Todd: That’s not very popular for former athletes. You’re saying you want to come back and call the “ultimate” balls and strikes challenge?
Jesus: I think so. Look – no one wants to admit it, but when the shit goes down – Jesus Christ! … sorry. “STUFF” goes down – SOMEBODY is going to have to judge the living and the dead, man. I am willing to step up and do it.
Todd: Wow… just wow. I get the feeling you’ll never retire. But we expect no less, champ. Thank you so much for your time today.
Jesus: Of course, God bless you and keep you.
… and just like that, he was off for the flock to see he had risen.