On Monday, January 16, 2017, my normally unparalleled attentiveness to the Bachelor was fouled, leaving so many of you longing for more, but with nowhere to go. Not to fear, my sweets. I am back with a Bachelor redux this week to fully compensate for my initial disappointment.
Prologue/Recap from Week of 1/9/17: Nick profoundly disappointed me when he casually booted his former concubine, Liz. In all fairness to Liz (who I applaud for her unabashed and quite feminist explanation of her disinterest in Nick post-initial coitus), the boot seemed more like payback for chipping Nick’s ego than an actual assessment of their compatibility. Moral of the story: don’t toot and boot a Bachelor, unless you’re cool with not making it past the second scheduled rose ceremony.
Act 1 – Corinne and the Trench Coat and the Whipped Cream: “I like you a lot. And, you make me really happy.” “Is this a dress or a coat?” “It’s a coat, it’s part of a plan.” Yes. This is going to end well. My favorite thing about Corinne is that her entire goal of getting on the Bachelor must be to make it to Bachelor in Paradise. Because you need to be a truly special brand of delight to make it to the sexy island. The other thing about Corinne is that she clearly does not learn. If Liz, the sacrificial lamb, did not teach the women not to lead with the sex, then I do not know who could. But I do not know that Corinne is the biggest learner. Maybe learn by doing. My least favorite part is when the harem of women are slutshaming Corinne, like “Oh my god, what am I doing?” Like, sister, I feel your pain, but you went on the Bachelor. You knew exactly what you were doing.
Act 2 – Corinne’s Narcolepsy & the Rose Ceremony that Wasn’t: Scene opens with Corinne sleeping with the rose in her bed. Now, we know she already has the rose, so her survival isn’t at stake. But what I am wondering is how much these girls must get plied with alcohol while on the show. Corinne seemed pretty tipsy in scene 1, and if she was, this seems to be a fairly logical explanation for her somnolent crash. If there was any question about whether Corinne was there for female friendship, that has been answered. Also, the confessional with Vanessa, starting with “I don’t know if I will get a rose…” is the least convincing thing I have ever seen. At day’s end, Hailey was the only one who really shocked me when she went home, but she is also like 23, so maybe that was the problem.
Act 3 – Many of these Women are Too Young to Know the Backstreet Boys: Please note that only the most senior candidates appear to actually have any basis for knowing who the Backstreet Boys are. Peak Backstreet Boys years were 1997 to 2000. These women appear to average 23-27. That means that they were born 1990 to 1993, i.e., they were between 4 and 7 years old during peak BSB years. Talk about playing to target audience (now, my 32 year old self was 12 years old 1997, so I am pretty sure I am the target Bachelor demographic). Corinne definitely does not appear to know who the Backstreet Boys are. Watching the women learn to dance to the Backstreet Boys is actually painful. Like fast forward through, painful. Listening to Corinne complain about how she does not feel cute or pretty is also deeply painful.
Act 4 – Ladies Hate Corinne Show: This may have been Corinne’s most mature moment, when she actually apologizes. But then she goes and seeps on the couch. Then, when she awakens from her stupor, she decides to make some amazing confessions: (1) she cannot handle children; (2) she has a nanny (Raquel); and (3) she does not want to get in the way of her nanny’s happiness. Obviously, the ladies seize upon the opportunity to prey on Corinne. But also, there appears to be a ton of booze going on (hence the trip and fall incident). Not shocked at all that Danielle got the rose, she was like the #2 dancer and the most surprising.
Act 5 – Vanessa is a Queen: Vanessa gets the solo date, because she’s perfect (my bet’s on her). This might be one of my favorite dates. It’s sporty, it doesn’t require the objectification of women’s bodies, it involves science, Nick is super tender. Best part: hands down when Vanessa throws up, and then like a champion, Nick still is all about kissing her, AFTER. Bold moves, Nick. That’s love.
Act 6 – More of Vanessa, the Goddess: Hands down, Nick and Vanessa’s dinner is super tender. Like, TENDER. Like, “I like taking care of you,” TENDER. They love their families. She misses her grandfather, who PASSED AWAY, and RED ROSES at his funeral. Then, more tender talk about Nick’s lost loves. Nick is vulnerable. So is Vanessa. AND THEN THE TEARS. And here is where you realize, Vanessa is a unicorn. A unicorn-mermaid-princess. Anyone ready to call the season yet?
Act 7 – Nick & the Girls Do Exercise and then Booze: This was a fairly boring date. And, it involved a LOT of objectification of the women in their largely inappropriate athletic wear. Unsurprisingly, Nick pulls Astrid aside first (which makes sense given how much they objectified her during the track and field events). Then there’s some crying, which I also dislike, because it’s boring. Then, Nick connects with Rachel, the lawyer, which I kind of like because (1) I think she’s the oldest in the contest; and (2) she’s a lawyer. Then, you have the cringeworthy conversation with Dominique about “fair chances” (seriously, what? all is fair in love an war, Dom, take a page from Corinne’s book). And then, boom, Nick sends Dom home. Well, that’s hard to watch. Why am I doing this again?
Act 8 – the “Pool Party”: So, at this point, a pool party with Nick seems like taking a dip in a piranha-filled river. And then, Corinne, in the bouncy castle. At this point, I’ve got to believe that Corinne is legit a ringer, because (1) how did she get a bouncy castle; and (2) how did the other girls not realize Nick was gone with Corinne. Then, cut to Vanessa’s rage. Now, I like Vanessa’s reaction, which is straight up, “Over it.” Then, the women turn on Corinne. Did not see that one coming. Several interchangeable brunettes come for Corinne. But then, comes Queen Vanessa. And Vanessa calls him on it. And then, sh*t gets real. And you can see, Nick appears to be in a world of hurt.
Moral of the Story: If you’re not Team Vanessa by the end of this episode, you are clearly not watching the Bachelor, season 21. (Seriously, how does this show stay in television?)