My Predictions for the Rio Olympics

With the Olympic Games in Rio starting this weekend, I felt compelled to make some predictions around the Games. Let me know your thoughts in “Comments.”

  • No one will catch the Zika virus… except of course poor Bob Costas
  • The “Christ the Redeemer” Statue will be featured in LITERALLY every NBC commercial break transition
  • If the U.S. underperforms in any particular sport, President Obama WILL be blamed
  • Trump will claim to have sent every American athlete an inspirational letter before the Games. NO American athlete will claim to have received it
  • Rowers will wear masks, and probably goggles. And speaking of …
  • … facebook, and especially Twitter, will blow up with hashtags like #shitwater, #RioShitWater, and #fecalwater
  • And speaking of rowing, it’s ratings alone will see a 600% increase due to viewers watching just to see if anyone falls in
  • The opening ceremonies will basically be a Carnival parade + dancing. Lots of dancing!
  • Brazil will win gold in some sport they weren’t even expected to medal, and they will definitely win gold in volleyball
  • At least 1 beach volleyball player will make worldwide news about how they “stepped on something suspicious” in the sand
  • NBC will make 35-55 references to the fact that “it’s actually winter down here”
  • There will be an equally large number of cutaway shots to Gisele Bundchen and a focus on wherever she’s going next
  • If there is any security tragedy, President Obama (and probably HRC as well) WILL be blamed
  • The plight of the Amazon rain forest and the haves/have not level of poverty in Brazil will be completely ignored
  • If President Obama does not attend the Games, he will be called unpatriotic. If he attends the Games, he will be blamed for not tending to problems here at home
  • Al Roker will be recruited to descend on Rio’s exotic destinations, and mostly report on delicious food. I predict at least 3 references to plantains alone
  • The U.S. Men’s basketball team will suffer 1 “wake up call” upset loss on their way to a redemptive gold medal
  • Speaking of medals, NBC will, at some point, make a small print error in their digital department and have the word “metals” on screen
  • You heard it here first: South Korean Badminton Gold!
  • Legions of people around the world will once again ask, “ok, but why RHYTHMIC Gymastics?!” (I know it seems like I’m being mean, but I’m just joking!)
  • An American BMX cyclist wise arise as the “Summer Olympics Sean White.”
  • Canoe Slalom will emerge as the new “rare sport sensation” (See: Curling)
  • I won’t be there 🙁

What are some of your predictions? (“Comments”)

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