A Letter to God (with Jokes!) — Volume 1

Dear God,

I know we talk every day, and you are always on my mind. But there is so much going on I just thought I would shoot you a proper letter – old-fashioned style – and let you know what I’m seeing and thinking about down here. I realize some of it is just silly. But you’re the only God I can talk to about, well … stuff!  Also – hope you don’t mind, but I’m sharing this letter with some friends. Ok, here we go.

You know I wouldn’t wish ill on anyone, but there are some people that, let’s just say, “all work together right now,” that are challenging – outright igniting, really – what I would call my “negative fantasy life.” I’ll admit to daydreaming about little “dark side” justices that could come the way of this sordid lot. Just one example, I would love for – we’ll call him Mephen Stiller – to be blindfolded, handcuffed, and placed in Mexico City’s Zocolo Public Square, with only the English language to help him communicate a way home. Lil’ stuff like that. I know it’s wrong, Heavenly Father … but the part of me that knows you have a cheeky side also knows you’ve at least THOUGHT about it, am I right? ……………..  Oh, no?  You would never?  You’re right – you’re right…. I know you’re right. Of course you wouldn’t.

I know it’s an oldie but a goodie, but you have GOT to give us some sort of “sign” that mosquitos are, or at one time were, worth their creation. I can’t stay satisfied with a notion that they were for “population control.” You’re God. You wouldn’t do it that way, with so much suffering affecting the most vulnerable. That’s not your style. That’s OUR style. So, can you please have some scientist discover that mosquitos turn our sucked blood into stem cells or something?  That way, we’ll know you didn’t totally screw the pooch and we can have faith that they’re more than frog food.

Men are really upsetting me these… years. I even have the women in my life fighting me on my contention lately that we men are largely useless beyond our seed. My ego is lifted when the women in my life remind they don’t find ME useless. But the misogyny, the oppression, the harassment and assault…the war-making, the greed, the machismo gamesmanship men play. I’ve just about had it being lumped in with these pikers. I’m with the women on most things these days. Do you think you could help the rest of us fellows shine through the scum out there?  Maybe then will our wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters be less afraid and more in command of their own wants and needs, and experience and receive healthier relationships among the men in their lives.

Now God, I know we’re not supposed to ask for THINGS in prayer… but if you’ll allow me this one. Can you get Tucker Carlson laid?  I mean – a LOT of regular sex with someone he doesn’t even deserve, fulfilling his every fantasy?  Maybe this will stave off the annoying and pervasively chapped “InCel” vibe he reeks of?  He’s one angry and resentful dude towards anyone who doesn’t worship at the Alter of Angry Conservative. I would say he was picked on in school, but I would venture a guess that he was probably the bully at whatever 2-bit prep school he attended with his rich Republican’t friends. I say turn this guy’s life around in the bedroom and perhaps we can at least ween him back to CNN, if not cure him altogether. I know this is asking a lot. But thanks!

Oh, and I have an idea I’ve been thinking about that I think you’ll love: Everyone born from here on out is immune from cancer or any life-ending disease until AT LEAST the age of 25. … Pretty good, right? The child gets to grow up, learn to ride a bike, have a high school and college experience, a first love, and maybe even a first and second job before you bring a few of them home. I say it’s a winner, and I bet you it would poll at 100% favorability. You can steal this one if you want… Really. I would rather it happen than get any credit. Will you at least ponder the notion at your next meeting with yourself?

IsLeoAlive/Awake orDreamingat theEndof Inception!??!  ….??? …..  Nothing? Hello?…… Damn!  Uh, I mean – Hmmmmmm!? Ok. I know that wasn’t fair. I just thought if I asked that one fast enough, you might let an answer slip and then we would all finally know the truth at the end of that movie. Promise it won’t happen again.

Confession Section:

I’m not Catholic, but I’ve always held that the Lutheran Church should have kept Confession in their Sacraments. I think it’s healthy to confess and ask forgiveness. It’s like a half-measure 9th step – but with fancy closets – so you know it’s good.

  • Ok, first and foremost, we have some right here in this letter. I’m sorry for what I hoped would happen to Stephen Miller – I MEAN MEPHEN STILLER!! Mephen is a sad, mixed up boy who was clearly marginalized in his youth and manipulated by the Devil. I’ll pray for him.
  • I’m sorry I consider so many men useless. Many of them are just NOT making us look good right now. And those centuries and centuries of white male dominance are making me very self-conscious. I mean, I would like to have a bit of power someday myself, and I really think I could help a lot of people that neither look like me nor share my anatomy. You know?
  • I’m sorry for feeling enmity toward those that mock the value of an education or mastering a trade, and then flip that around to manipulate the beliefs of those without an education or any trade skills. I should have compassion for their treachery, knowing how pathetic it is that they know no other way to win.
  • I apologize for complaining about that one thing ad nauseum, and always wishing I was where I could feel that other thing in spades. I know this vague code language does nothing for my readers… but it helps me and you know what I’m talking about. So, I’m sorry. I’m not a victim and I want you to know that I know that.

Ok, that was good. I feel cleansed and ready to close out with a few small thoughts.

IS batmanALIVE orISAlfred dreaming atTheEndofDarkKnightRises!?!?!  …. Oh, my word. I said I wouldn’t do that again. So sneaky. I don’t want to be that kind of child of yours, God. I think maybe I’ve been wanting absolute answers lately, and “that” (genius) Christopher Nolan has a penchant for leaving us hanging. I’m starting to think it may be less plot device and just plain indecisiveness in the man. At least in “Dunkirk” we know what happened for certain. … Oh, no, wait – no we don’t!  Does Tom Hardy survive the rest of the war as a POW?  Got me again, Nolan! …. Can we go back to the confessions section for a minute and say I’m sorry for insisting on so much certainty from one of my favorite filmmakers of all time?  Maybe it’s saying more about ME than Christopher Nolan that I need absolute answers? … because that would be a lack of faith, wouldn’t it?  Ahhhhh…. Well played, God.

And hey – speaking of, thank you for all of those incredible movies you’ve inspired my fellow humans to make, and for “Peak TV.” I really am like a kid in a candy store when it comes to the seemingly limitless amount of scripted entertainment these days.

With that, perhaps I should stop for now, and write back again later. Let me know if you like this traditional letter-writing approach. It was enjoyable for me and I think I’ll remember my prayer better having typed it out.  I love you. Thank you for my blessed and enjoyable life….

…And don’t forget the no cancer before 25 idea … Amen!

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